I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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