im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
