I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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