i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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