I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
