Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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