A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize