I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
