come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
