dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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