just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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