Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
