Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
