I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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