Can i not drive my cunt home
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
