I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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