yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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