OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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