Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
