I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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