I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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