how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
