I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
