I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize