I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
