btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
