I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
