how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize