She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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