i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
