I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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