Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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