one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
