i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
