yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize