Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize