Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize