In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize