I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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