Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
