i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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