It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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