I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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