Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
