He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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