Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
