she woke up with a sticky ear
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
