Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
