If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
