you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
