Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
