so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
