If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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