that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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