I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Randomize
