Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
im about as happy as oj after his trial
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
