If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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