God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
