That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
