Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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