I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
