Barsexuality is the new black.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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