my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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