Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
